


the warrens are assholes

by thisprentiss



Category: The Conjuring (Movies)
Genre: i would like to introduce the conjuring fandom with its first crack fic, this is from valak's point of view and he's a drama queen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 12:27:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9271385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisprentiss/pseuds/thisprentiss
Summary: valak just wants to have a good time





	

**Author's Note:**

> im tired as hell guys  
> just let valak haunt in peace he only wants to kill people

Valak thought he had found the perfect form. _Yes,_ he'd thought, dragging himself up from the floor in a nun's habit, _this will scare the ever living shit out of that Warren guy._

He didn't really have... a _reason_ for fucking with the Warrens. He'd just come across them while he was staying at someone's house in their daughter's consciousness. They didn't really _do_ anything to him, but trying to chill as a demon is a little hard when all of a sudden there's a priest and some guy in a sweater vest is throwing holy water on you.

So that's why Valak planned on deadass murdering Ed Warren.

Was it a little petty? Yes. Was he going to do it anyway? He's a demon. Of course he's going to do it anyway.

And he was going to _enjoy_ it. Valak had to plan it out for a while, obviously, he's always been a drama queen and he knows it (Beleth never stopped giving him shit about the whole 'winged baby riding a dragon' thing). And he wanted to find a good form to really _get_ the Warrens before he killed the guy and tortured the girl a little bit.

The nun seemed like a good idea.

Valak had snuck a peek into Ed Warren's mind a few times; he apparently had an abusive aunt that kept coming back to haunt him in his sleep after she died, always wearing her nun's habit. She hadn't come back in years, but Valak loved the concept. It was very gothic.

So he struck a deal with Crocell and hung around at the Amityville house for a while. The DeFeo family was nice enough. A little creeped out by the fact that they were eternally stuck in the house they were murdered in, now having polite conversation with a couple of demons from the depths of hell, but overall they were nice.

Finally the Warrens showed up, tried their little seance thing, and the scene he played out in her psychic vision was more beautiful than any human director ever could have directed it. Straight out of a horror film. The DeFeos? Wonderful. Beautiful. Flawless. Crocell sat it out, but gave a review afterward.

Valak's personal favorite was the part with the mirror, but everyone else says the whole impaling thing was pretty good.

If nothing, it startled Lorraine straight out of her vision.

He waited a few days to go fuck more things up. They had a little celebration at the house at Amityville, and Crocell told Valak to call Ziminiar whenever he had a chance. Apparently he owes him money.

Now this is where the disappointment to end all disappointments happens.

Valak had hyped himself up, he got all excited, big reveal, show time, and what does Ed Warren do when he visits him in his dream? Does he scream? Does he cry? Does he even thrash a little bit in his sleep? No of course not, he just sits against a wall and gives Valak a little wave. Doesn't say hi or anything, doesn't cower in fear. The only fucking thing he says is,

"I wonder if _broccoli_ dreams. I don't know how to drive."

Fucking. _Ugh._ Valak really should've _expected_ something weird to happen in a mortal human dream, but that one really caught him off guard. Next time he'd have to control more of the variables.

And then, here's the kicker, Warren gets up and goes to paint a fucking _picture_! A literal painting of Valak as a nun, he's listening to the Beatles the whole time, five in the morning just _painting._ (Valak hates to admit it, but he was honestly kind of flattered by the depiction of him on canvas)

After that incident, Valak gave up on Ed and decided to stick with tormenting Lorraine instead.

She was too easy. Her mind was a whirlwind of thoughts and pain and love and intelligence, and Valak had the time of his life manipulating her. He trapped her in Ed's office, threw stuff around, came out of the wall with the painting. You know. Trying to _scare_ her.

But the bitch shows no damn fear! She just starts demanding that Valak tell her his name. _Again._ She did this last time too. Is there nothing that will make this woman break? _Honestly._

So Valak does what one would expect someone to do in that situation. He kind of looks around and then shrugs. "Valak. I'm kind of a big deal."

And then she's snapped out of the vision by her little shit daughter Judy, and Valak is back to rearranging their decorations to spell his name.

Finally he finds out that they're headed to London, England, for some ridiculous ghost case, and he decides to tag along. When they got there, it really seemed like the old man's ghost was doing enough haunting, but Valak was much more skilled and decided to up the ante.

More scary things. He was a little bored at this point. Nothing was happening.

Ed played the guitar and sang. It was disgusting.

The old man wound up not wanting to continue haunting, so Valak, naturally, forced him to stay. He made the little girl fake a haunting and get caught on camera under the threat that he would kill her family if she didn't (He wasn't going to. He was only there to fuck with the Warrens. He might be a demon but that's going a little too far.)

And he was having so much fun when the Warrens got Bill's tape recorder message and came running back to the house like the little heroes they are. Slamming doors, playing choir music, shooting burning steam into Ed's face? A total thrill. And the look on Lorraine's _face_ when he struck the tree down and made the stake he was planning on killing her husband with? Priceless.

But then a damn wrench gets thrown in his whole dramatic plan, and Lorraine decides to call him out.

_I just had to tell her my name._ _Yeah. Damn right I'm the marquis of snakes. Fuck out of here with your bible shit._

He was expelled from the house. Ed didn't die. Valak cried for a while.

The only good thing that came out of the whole situation? He made a new friend back in Hell. Bathsheba. They bonded over mutual hatred for the Warrens. Apparently, there were _a lot_ of demons that hate the Warrens.

Maybe they should start a club.


End file.
